Role Call!

At some point in life we all are put in a position in which we don't feel like we are ready or properly equipped to handle the challenge. If we were prepared for every obstacle we wouldn't have issues in the world. That is apart of growing up though. We all go through it and that is where I am now. I have always led groups whether its been friends or family but since college,I have fallen back off of the leadership role,because I didn't feel like I was ready to lead or I should be the one people turn to with their problems. I felt if I'm going through my own issues how can I possibly help u if I don't have the answers for my own problems. Another part was fear. Fear of my own future,fear or stepping up. I had gradually migrated from a leader to a conformist. My whole life before college I was pushed in the light for my accomplishments, but once college came I only had my own expectations that I was not living up to. I didn't feel like I had control of myself, and I didn't want to see someone fail because of my actions. Recently I have found that inner leadership that has been dormant for 3 years. It all came from me, letting go and letting God take care of my issues if I'm doing everything I can do about it. Another reason has been the number of friends that accept my advice or come to me when they have issues. I guess to them they never hear about my issues or know that I don't dwell long. I don't know the reason behind it,but helping them has helped me re-accept my role. The ways in which I help them,the words I use, the means in which I go make me realize my ability to help has been all due to God blessing me. I'm not perfect by any means and I make mistakes but if my mistakes in the past can prevent a loved one from one in the future then so be it. As I sit here and write this post from Nashville, I reflect back on my relations with my family and friends here. I'm the first grandchild to go to college,I'm the 3rd to graduate high school and I'm the 8th oldest. That bothers me a lot,but I have to keep going for them,because until I complete my goals, they won't see the success of hard work. I got dropout cousins younger than me,cousins in jail,cousins with 3 kids that's my age. I can't judge them because those are the results of their choices. Growing up we were more than cousins,we were raised like brothers and sisters, and that's where I feel like I have to show them. Accept the role of leader. If not me then who. I'm one of the most respected, I'm one of the most responsible, and one of the only ones with a head on straight. Everything I do,is for them,my successes, my failures,everything. I didn't feel I was ready to lead by example but its time for me to do so. My life has been on full display for them as their lives were on display for me. I can't sit back and say I'm too proud but in 5 years.........I will be. Don't run from the roles God bestows on you because if u do you will continue to fail yourself. He wouldn't put us in these positions if he felt we couldn't do it,but the choice is ours to sink or swim. I do this for my whole family from the top to the bottom from Tewanna(the most successful grandchild and oldest) to the youngest, to my "niece/godchild" I love yall, and don't follow in my path because its been a long one but use mines as a blueprint to establish your own. That is what I told my cousins while I am here.We all fail,but we learn from those failures to help ourselves out and to help others. This role is new to me and I'm sure I will stumble but I won't stop until God's plan for me is finished. Taking the hard roads will lead us to realization of the limits we have and how to exceed them.

"Heaven or Hell YOU choose"

The mind is a terrible thing to waste,but ones thoughts can cause self destruction.......so what do you do? You speak up! Now you can talk about it,or if youre like me,you can let it flow out other ways. I blog,tweet,work,listen to music or whatever I have to do to keep that balance in my life. We all are promised hardships in our lives but nothing can consume us without our very own consent. That simply means that we are all equipped to overcome any obstacle that we get to on the path of life. Whether it takes u seconds or years. With the determination and faith to not be defeated IT CAN BE DONE. Stress comes with the territory but its the "serpent" in our ear trying to get us to bite the fruit. Dont feel sorry for yourself. What will that do? NOTHING! The best things in life arent free,the best things in life are EARNED,remember that through it all,our proudest moments come from when its the darkest before dawn,from when our backs are damn near painted on the wall. DONT QUIT, no matter what. If you fail to overcome initially dont give up,breakthroughs happen when you are least expecting them,I know and if you reading this you know also. Shame the devil and prove em wrong,because it will always be times where you fall down.......just dont forget how to STAND!

Eh

Yeah this is another one of those Ahcak posts I guess......another one of them songs that reminds me of our breakup,its not really a base to this post,but since she found out indirectly thru my twitter page I dropped the L word about her when it was a point where I didnt think I would ever see her again. I might feel that way about her but I dont like opening up about it cus of the wounds still there and the less I think about it,the easier the convo goes and the better my feelings get. True this song is 100 percent how I feel/felt hell idk anymore,its just a random post. The crazy thing is the last time we talked I joked about dedicating this to her and then I listened to it and there u go a real emotion drove me to blog this song. Thats the main kicker because our breakup had nothing to do with anything but fear and the past being present in our future,so thats why I think about her us and what we couldve done if we worked our issues out,but thats for another day another post.If yall knew how close we were yall would understand why its hard moving on,cus at one point all i wanted was her if that meant giving her space or time i did it.It gets hard sometimes thinking about us no lie but thats because of the fear to talk about my own feelings or how she feels about me. We both fear the same thing and thats being hurt,one of us took the risk the other one ehhhh.....im going to sleep be easy thanks for reading LOVE yall.

I Just Don't Understand
Why You Running From A Good Man,Baby?
Why You Wanna Turn Your Back On Love?
Why You've Already Given Up?
See I Know You've Been Hurt Before
But I Swear I'll Give You So Much More
I Swear I'll Never Let You Down
'Cause I Swear It's You That I Adore

And I Can't Help Myself,Baby
'Cause I Think About You Constantly
And My Heart Gets No Rest Over You

You Can Call Me Selfish
But All I Want Is Your Love
You Can Call Me Hopeless,Baby
'Cause I'm Hopelessly In Love
You Can Call Me Un-perfect
But Who's Perfect?
Tell Me What Do I Gotta Do?
To Prove That I'm The Only One For You
What's Wrong With Being Selfish?

I'll Be Taking Up Your Time
Til The Day I'll Make You Realize
That For You There Can Be No One Else
I Just Gotta Have You For Myself
Baby I Will Take Good Care Of You
No Matter What It Is You're Going Through
I'll Be There For You When You're In Need
Baby Believe In Me

'Cause If Love Is A Crime
Then Punish Me I Would Die For You
'Cause I Don't Want To Live Without You
What Can I Do?

You Can Call Me Selfish
But All I Want Is Your Love
You Can Call Me Hopeless,Baby
'Cause I'm Hopelessy In Love
You Can Call Me Un-perfect
But Who's Perfect?
Tell Me What Do I Gotta Do?
To Prove That I'm The Only One For You

Why Do You Keep Us Apart?
Why Want You Give Up Your Heart?
You Know That We're Meant To Be Together
And Why Do You Push Me Away?
All That I Want Is To Give You Love
Forever And Ever And Ever

You Can Call Me Selfish
But All I Want Is Your Love
You Can Call Me Hopeless(Hopeless)
'Cause I'm Hopelessly In Love
You Can Call Me Un-perfect
But Who's Perfect?
Tell Me What Do I Gotta Do?
To Prove That I'm The Only One For You

Selfishly I'm In Love With You
'Cause I've Searched My Soul

And I Know That It's You

She writes it down in her Diary as she continues to go left

Now if you know me personally,you would know that I havent had the best luck with my feelings or expressing them the way I want. Now granted its partially my fault and my lack of trust. This doesnt make my feelings go away but makes them stronger, but in my mindset the best way to keep my heart together is to remain to myself and keep stuff in. If you follow me on twitter(@runkeldat) you may have seen my "love" tweets and how I have began to cope with them. Also you would know that me and Wale had a run in,well I wouldnt say a run in with him but his stans cus he did some sucka shit. But nonetheless I respect the man still some and still think hes a dope artist. The video above is from his Attention Deficit album and is my favorite song off the album. Diary is special to me because I have been there and ALL the lyrics is my last relationship. People wanna know why me and her failed or the problems I WILL never go into that in full detail outta respect for me and her. It just wasnt the right time. This song Sums up how I felt when we ended and how I still feel......ima attach the lyrics down below for your reading pleasure and this is really part one of my breakup posts......part two is "Letter to an Ex" which is gonna be my most personal post(yeah yeah I know I say that every time) I'll go into details about how I was forced to face my feelings about a person for the first time in our relationship and how I lost somebody I loved

If I told you I wanted to talk to you,
You think i'm try'na holla at you,
And maybe I am but,
You wouldn't hear me out anyway's would you? ,
Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feel like,
Short days, long nights,
By the phone, no call,
Need a clear mind 'cause I been blind,got me goin' down that road,
Heart made of stone,
Far away from home,
Black woman you cold,
Every problem you ever had with another man i gotta face,
Started off on thin ice,
im still here but i cant skate,
Slow sink, cant breath, no remorse, dont think,
Listen to your friend get another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she reject what i give, while she nurse the wounds by them,
Tried them didnt work,
Diary of a black girl,


I wonder why i sit and cry,
Wish i could shed all these tears,
Im down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
I dont know how to move on,
Where i went wrong,
I wish i could live with no fear,
So down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
Somehow,

Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She dont have a problem with, with,
Saying fuck a nigga Quick, quick,
Im just tryna be the one who never run, but you run away from me,
Girlfriends man cheat, cheat,
Why not me the same thing,
She cant see in me, what i see in her,
This pain she inherit cant be reversed,
I cant even stay living in the shade of all the motherfuckers who played you,
The irony in that is that i aint even that, but you coulda been these pages,
Wife, you deserve the label but, but, you been hurt before so you dont feel your able,
Tried them didnt work, got impossible standards, nothing that i ever do works,
Diary of a black girl,

See all i wanna do is be relevant,
Just tell me that i ever meant anything more,
That you could ever see me and you in another light,
But its like the dark women indoors in the darkest nights by the wrong man,
see all of them have made you incapable of a first impression,
what it do is i channel my aggression with no cable or antenna,
Just intentions to impress you if capable,
Hoping that the material possesions can materialise to a better you,
Cars, nothing i drive can drive you out of this state of mind,
For such an ugly picture and,
Money, nothing i buy can buy more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it,
Diamonds, a girls best frienf is what they say but believe me with the right allegience shorty you gonna shine anyways,
and everyday that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary,
the day before is better than the present,
so anyone presented in her presence is doing these life sentences,
theres no key for release,
no reason to be around,
her minds in the clouds,
she writes it all down,
in her diary"